A Message from the Queen
Jul. 2nd, 2015 10:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
charisstoma
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
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no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 11:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 06:20 pm (UTC)Hmmm, guns should be resorted to only if the lawyers (barristers or solicitors) can't right a wrong. There are certain times when a 'person needs killin' of course then there's more need for lawyers isn't there. *sighs*
It depends why you're seeing the therapist. If you have a terrible cigarette craving or have one of those food syndromes like bulimia, trying to overcome the death of a beloved pet... there's all kinds of reasons that don't require restraint from gun possession. Fear of the person breaking a window to get into your house does not require the attention of a therapist especially if the police won't be there for a good 10+ minutes if at all. This happened recently here and yes the man shot at the person, who for some reason left hurriedly. The police think the invader was hit but hasn't sought medical help yet. *climbs off soapbox*
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 06:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 06:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 12:03 pm (UTC)Assassinate NOW before it's an issue!!
And maybe add scones with the tea :)
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 06:25 pm (UTC)Scones. I love fresh scones and they aren't too bad the next day either. Class project for school long ago. We were studying other countries through food and had to make and bring a treat to share with the rest of the class. I've got Scottish, English, Irish in my background. So I made some very expensive ingredient scones. Remember thinking, Good Grief why would people spend so much money to make these? They were good.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-03 08:24 pm (UTC)Expensive?
A proper scone is very basic and served with clotted cream and strawberry conserve (though I use blackcurrant because I prefer it)
yum yum yum
That is mean.
Date: 2015-07-03 09:58 pm (UTC)I was 10 when I made these with my own little hands, flour everywhere, cookbook open to refer to often (and it was), with very patient parents sort of hovering and offering much needed encouragement that yes I was doing just fine. They were over patted (don't think we had a pizza cutter which would have made it much easier for a small, insecure perfectionist) and hardish but tasted good.
From the Joy of Cooking Cookbook
Scones
Yield: about 12
Sift together:
1 3/4 C flour
2 1/4 t double acting baking powder
1 T sugar
1/2 t salt
Add, cutting in until pea sized #1/4 cold butter
In a separate bowl
2 eggs beaten - reserve out 2 T
Into eggs, beat 1/3 C cream
Make well in flour mixture and pour liquid it. Combine with a few swift strokes, handling as little as possible.
Place on lightly floured board and pat until 3/4 inch thick.
Cut into diamonds.
Brush with reserved egg and sprinkle with salt or sugar.
Bake 15 minutes at 450 degree oven.
Re: That is mean.
Date: 2015-07-03 10:25 pm (UTC)You don't have circular cutters to form them? They're a must for scones and Welsh cakes ;)
They were the first thing we baked in school, mine were little wobbly towers but i was very proud.
Re: That is mean.
Date: 2015-07-04 12:41 am (UTC)Re: That is mean.
Date: 2015-07-05 03:35 pm (UTC)